When Your Grief Doesn't Get Permission: Understanding Disenfranchised Loss

A grief that hurts in a very specific way

There is a kind of grief that hurts in a very specific way. It is not only the pain of losing someone or something you loved. It is the pain of feeling like you are not allowed to grieve.

If people have minimized your loss, avoided the topic, changed the subject, or acted as if you should be "fine," you may be carrying what many professionals call disenfranchised grief.

And precious heart, it is real.

What is disenfranchised grief?

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly mourned. In other words, it is grief that does not get permission.

Sometimes the world does not recognize the depth of the bond, the complexity of the relationship, or the significance of what you lost. So you end up grieving in silence.

Examples of disenfranchised grief

This can show up in many situations, including:

• The death of an ex-partner, even if you still loved them

• The death of someone you were not "supposed" to be close to

• Grief after miscarriage, infertility, or pregnancy loss

• Grief after abortion (no matter what your reasons were)

• The loss of a pet (yes, this counts)

• The death of someone who struggled with addiction

• Grieving a relationship that was complicated, abusive, or estranged

• The death of someone by suicide

• The loss of a friend, coworker, mentor, or community member

• The loss of a home, identity, health, career, or a dream you built your life around

Sometimes disenfranchised grief is also layered with shame, because people may judge the circumstances. And that judgment can make a grieving heart feel even more alone.

Why this kind of grief can feel so heavy

When grief is witnessed, it has somewhere to go. When grief is dismissed, it turns inward.

Disenfranchised grief often comes with:

• Feeling like you have to hide your pain

• Questioning whether you "deserve" to grieve

• Feeling angry at others for not understanding

• Feeling guilty for still hurting

• Feeling isolated, even in a room full of people

It can also make grief last longer, because you are carrying the loss and the loneliness at the same time.

Your grief is valid

If your grief has been judged, minimized, or ignored, I want to say this clearly:

Your grief does not need anyone's approval to be valid. You do not have to prove the importance of your loss. You do not have to explain why it hurts.

If it mattered to you, it matters.

Gentle ways to give your grief permission

If you are carrying disenfranchised grief, here are a few supportive steps you can take. Choose what feels safe.

1) Name it

Sometimes the most healing thing is simply being able to say:

• "This is grief."

• "This is loss."

• "This is real."

Naming it helps the nervous system stop fighting reality.

2) Find one safe witness

You do not need a crowd. You need one person who can hold your truth without trying to fix it. That might be:

• A grief-informed therapist

• A support group

• A trusted friend

• A spiritual counselor

A safe witness can change everything.

3) Create a private ritual

If your grief is not publicly recognized, you can still honor it.

• Light a candle

• Write a letter

• Create a small altar or memory box

• Speak their name

• Visit a meaningful place

Ritual gives grief a container.

4) Release the shame that isn't yours

If people judged your grief, that judgment belongs to them. You are allowed to feel love and anger. You are allowed to grieve someone complicated. You are allowed to grieve a loss others do not understand.

5) Let your grief be as big as it is

Some losses are not "small," even if the world treats them that way. Your heart decides what is significant.

A final word for your heart

If your grief hasn't been given permission, let this be your permission slip.

You are allowed to mourn. You are allowed to miss them. You are allowed to ache.

And you are allowed to heal, without anyone else's approval.

If you would like gentle support, you are welcome to explore my offerings at Moriah the Medium.

Warmly, Moriah