Write your post here.I love my family and friends more than anything. I would move heaven and earth to help people. If I had 100 hours in a day it would be grand. I unfortunately run on Moriah time. I have Attention Deficit Disorder and have for all of my life. I must say having ADD has made me more creative, fun and impulsive. I sometimes think it benefits my ability to be intuitive. But to my friends and family who love me, I am in constant fear of disappointing those who I cherish the most.
I lose my phone sometimes daily. I have a hard time remembering appointments and I invented the term procrastination. Since being pregnant and breastfeeding I have not had any medication at all.
This month has been a very difficult spiritual battle for me. I hate disappointing people. I don’t know how I haven’t driven Sheila insane or made Chad stick sharp objects in his eyes. When I forget appointments, lunch dates or screw up a night of a concert date I feel tremendous responsibility and self-loathing.
Don’t get me wrong having ADD isn’t an excuse to behave badly and sometimes in my life I have been treated with less than kindness for being off kilter. As a child I found it extraordinarily hard to sit still, pay attention or stay on track. I had an Uncle and Aunt who were cruel with words and actions anytime I was near them. Teachers in the 1970’s and 1980’s didn’t acknowledge that girls suffered from ADD, and there really weren’t any resources for help anyway. My mom said when I was little I used to take so much energy to watch that she’d lock herself in the bathroom and cry.
Kids in class love to make fun of other kids when they are in trouble and if you suffer from ADD you will often be in trouble for not paying attention, talking too much or being a disruption in the class room. You so desperately want to fit in and be normal but can’t because you think differently. To this day I can remember unkind words said to me by adults and frustrated teachers. Self-esteem and self-love do not come easy when you are constantly told that you are lazy, forgetful or being stupid. I had high test grades and poor classroom grades so often my grades were attributed to laziness.
I know that when I forget plans or appointments that I hurt or disappoint people. I accept responsibility for that and do my best to not repeat the mistake.
I love being a Medium. I so completely love the fact that I can help people to move through regret, sorrow and find a place of peace. I am proud of myself for being compassionate, giving and a good person. I often am told from people on the other side how important self-love is and how life changing it can be when you forgive yourself of past wrongs.
Sometimes I find it easier not to be close to people in fear of disappointing them when I screw up dates, forget a lunch date or generally act like a meat head. I’m so conditioned to people being angry with me that I have a tendency to shy away from close relationships. It is completely contrary to who I am as a person because I love and adore parties, friends, and meals shared together.
Usually my blogs are about giving advice on how to forgive and move forward, but this month the tables are turned on me. Chad changed the way I think last week when I screwed up a date with our friends; he said that if someone chooses not to like me because I am forgetful then they are not to be worried about. He also told me that the time that people spend with me is so much more important that it makes up for the time when I forget things. I cried so hard and so long that night for nothing. My girlfriend was completely understanding and so kind about my screw up, but in my mind I just knew that she would hate me. She didn’t and does not. The fact of the matter is that I hated myself for disappointing her and her husband.
My good friend has ADD and always forgets something or another and Chad asked me if I loved him any less for it, and I had to admit I did not and that I loved him just the same.
How is it that we can be completely rational and understanding of others but not give ourselves the same graces? When I screw up nobody hates me more than I hate myself. I would give anything in the world sometimes not to feel this way. I had to laugh at myself for wanting to be normal when clearly I’m not or never would want to be. I feel though sometimes I need a warning label that read:
“WARNING: Moriah may be late, may be poorly organized, is likely to forget to check emails or text messages and more likely to when she has currently lost phone. Spontaneity and foot tapping likely.”
I think I might get that on a shirt anyway so that people know what to expect. I’m working on embracing my ADD. I know I have to meet it half way and make friends with it. It’s just that I have been unable to meet so many of my expectations for so long that I have a lot to move through. We all suffer, and we all suffer from different things. I can honestly say that hating myself has only brought me misery, suffering and trouble. I have never benefitted from disliking myself so intensely.
I am on a new path as seeing myself as someone separate from myself. When I look at myself through neutral eyes I genuinely like myself. I would never hate or dislike someone else for acting like myself, so why is it ok for me to put myself down? It isn’t.
My wish for you is that if you you are suffering from self-loathing, anger or dislike that you too see yourself with neutral eyes. If it makes it any easier just say to yourself, “Well at least Moriah loves me the way I am. “ I will love your “ugly,” parts until you can do that for yourself too.
I wish you peace, self-love and genuine self like. Hugs from me to you.
For more information on ADD: http://www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/guides/WWK9