March Thoughts

Write your post here.I love my family and friends more than anything. I would move heaven and earth to help people. If I had 100 hours in a day it would be grand. I unfortunately run on Moriah time. I have Attention Deficit Disorder and have for all of my life. I must say having ADD has made me more creative, fun and impulsive. I sometimes think it benefits my ability to be intuitive. But to my friends and family who love me, I am in constant fear of disappointing those who I cherish the most.

I lose my phone sometimes daily. I have a hard time remembering appointments and I invented the term procrastination. Since being pregnant and breastfeeding I have not had any medication at all.

This month has been a very difficult spiritual battle for me. I hate disappointing people. I don’t know how I haven’t driven Sheila insane or made Chad stick sharp objects in his eyes. When I forget appointments, lunch dates or screw up a night of a concert date I feel tremendous responsibility and self-loathing.
 
Don’t get me wrong having ADD isn’t an excuse to behave badly and sometimes in my life I have been treated with less than kindness for being off kilter. As a child I found it extraordinarily hard to sit still, pay attention or stay on track. I had an Uncle and Aunt who were cruel with words and actions anytime I was near them. Teachers in the 1970’s and 1980’s didn’t acknowledge that girls suffered from ADD, and there really weren’t any resources for help anyway. My mom said when I was little I used to take so much energy to watch that she’d lock herself in the bathroom and cry.
 
Kids in class love to make fun of other kids when they are in trouble and if you suffer from ADD you will often be in trouble for not paying attention, talking too much or being a disruption in the class room. You so desperately want to fit in and be normal but can’t because you think differently. To this day I can remember unkind words said to me by adults and frustrated teachers. Self-esteem and self-love do not come easy when you are constantly told that you are lazy, forgetful or being stupid. I had high test grades and poor classroom grades so often my grades were attributed to laziness.
 
I know that when I forget plans or appointments that I hurt or disappoint people. I accept responsibility for that and do my best to not repeat the mistake.
 
I love being a Medium. I so completely love the fact that I can help people to move through regret, sorrow and find a place of peace. I am proud of myself for being compassionate, giving and a good person. I often am told from people on the other side how important self-love is and how life changing it can be when you forgive yourself of past wrongs.
 
Sometimes I find it easier not to be close to people in fear of disappointing them when I screw up dates, forget a lunch date or generally act like a meat head. I’m so conditioned to people being angry with me that I have a tendency to shy away from close relationships. It is completely contrary to who I am as a person because I love and adore parties, friends, and meals shared together.
 
Usually my blogs are about giving advice on how to forgive and move forward, but this month the tables are turned on me. Chad changed the way I think last week when I screwed up a date with our friends; he said that if someone chooses not to like me because I am forgetful then they are not to be worried about. He also told me that the time that people spend with me is so much more important that it makes up for the time when I forget things. I cried so hard and so long that night for nothing. My girlfriend was completely understanding and so kind about my screw up, but in my mind I just knew that she would hate me. She didn’t and does not. The fact of the matter is that I hated myself for disappointing her and her husband.
 
My good friend has ADD and always forgets something or another and Chad asked me if I loved him any less for it, and I had to admit I did not and that I loved him just the same.
 
How is it that we can be completely rational and understanding of others but not give ourselves the same graces? When I screw up nobody hates me more than I hate myself. I would give anything in the world sometimes not to feel this way. I had to laugh at myself for wanting to be normal when clearly I’m not or never would want to be. I feel though sometimes I need a warning label that read:
 
“WARNING: Moriah may be late, may be poorly organized, is likely to forget to check emails or text messages and more likely to when she has currently lost phone. Spontaneity and foot tapping likely.”
 
I think I might get that on a shirt anyway so that people know what to expect. I’m working on embracing my ADD. I know I have to meet it half way and make friends with it. It’s just that I have been unable to meet so many of my expectations for so long that I have a lot to move through. We all suffer, and we all suffer from different things. I can honestly say that hating myself has only brought me misery, suffering and trouble. I have never benefitted from disliking myself so intensely.
 
I am on a new path as seeing myself as someone separate from myself. When I look at myself through neutral eyes I genuinely like myself. I would never hate or dislike someone else for acting like myself, so why is it ok for me to put myself down? It isn’t.
 
My wish for you is that if you  you are suffering from self-loathing, anger or dislike that you too see yourself with neutral eyes. If it makes it any easier just say to yourself, “Well at least Moriah loves me the way I am. “ I will love your “ugly,” parts until you can do that for yourself too.
 
I wish you peace, self-love and genuine self like. Hugs from me to you.
 
For more information on ADD: http://www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/guides/WWK9

10 comments on “March Thoughts

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Steve Schlader on April 27, 2013 11:49 pm

My Dearest Moriah It is with deepest respect and gratitude that I write you. As you will remember I called desperately seeking help for my wife Linda who had been struggling with passing in a Hospice House for over a week. Although she could not communicate verbally it was still obvious to me she was struggling and it broke my heart . I had tried every thing I could imagine to give her peace even though I knew no matter what my sorrow would be lasting. Your insight, advice and words of comfort not only helped me give my Linda comfort and peace but all of the family and friends who surrounded her. She passed quietly this past Wednesday evening. Her 54th birthday was the Thursday before. Her mother who was unable to visit her that day for the first time since Linda’s stay began received the sign of her daughters safe passage. There is nothing about this chapter of my life that doesn’t make me weep and I fear that will never change. That includes your kindness. You my dear are without a doubt the most caring compassionate and selfless human being I have ever known. Even with ADD! If there is anything at anytime or anywhere I can do for you say the word and it will be done. I suppose having your babies is kinda out of the question? Seriously Thank you Moriah from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely Steve Schlader Rockford Iowa . p.s. Please have your kind assistant schedule an appointment for me as soon as you are available.

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Jennifer Lawrence on May 1, 2013 3:52 pm

You were recommended to me by a dear friend that is worried about me after losing my brother, who was my best friend. After reading this makes me feel like I need to help you, my son has ADD as well so I totally understand how he struggled with his “learning disability”. I think you are taking too much on your shoulders/responsibility and need to know that your gift to help others connect, is just that, a gift, and you help so many people, you should focus on that (ok – knowing with ADD it is hard to focus – just kidding) but I am sure you understand what I am saying.

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Melissa on May 13, 2014 9:08 am

Mariah, I was at your show in Dubuque Iowa over Mothers Day at the Mystique Casino. You and the things you said have been on my mind. My name is Melissa and I am grieving, time heals all things usually. I will never completely be happy with the situation, but I have to move on. Although I wish I would have spoke that night. You brought up a person that perhaps may have left me thinking that maybe I or the people I was there with were trying to be reached. I don’t need any words of encouragement, and I know this is how you make your living, but sometimes the answers or rather you should just speak to me without money involved. This is your gift and I am asking you to share it with me rather than me pay for the dead to talk to me. If I had this talent it would be awesome, or gift rather. Can you please help me, I realize you are busy, you have a lot going on and when you spoke about your father, I am sorry for the pain and I hope that you are doing well. Thank you for reading this, I truly would like to know if that person was trying to come to me or the others i was with. Thank you Moriah, peace and comfort always, amist our own set backs which actually make us even more special than we know. Sincerely, Melissa, from Dubuque Iowa.

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Moriah on October 5, 2014 4:31 pm

I’m not sure what your asking specifically but anyone can learn to do what I do. Ask Your Angels by Alma Daniels is a great start. Pick it up from the library. I’m sorry I just don’t understand the question.

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Deb Nicks on May 23, 2014 11:06 am

Knock it off. You have got to be the kindest person I have ever met. I swear. When I am around you I feel like I want to be a better person too.

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Moriah on October 5, 2014 4:29 pm

Back at cha babe!

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Rochelle on October 23, 2014 7:19 pm

Moriah, I just saw you on the TLC show hoarding and you were remarkable. I have ADD also but how do you think teachers handled that in the 50’s & 60’s. Ya, not too good. Hang in there sweetie and don’t take your self too seriously. Again thanks and God Bless.
Shelly

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Amanda on April 6, 2016 3:05 pm

I am interested. I lost my father when I was 4 years. I have so many different versions. I am interested to learn more about how this will help?

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Dana on April 8, 2016 5:48 pm

Moriah,
Have you ever thought that ADD is most likely due to a chemical process as well as how ones brain is wired? I firmly believe that it is both. All one’s lifetime experiences and environmental exposures make up our history and the evolution of who we are today. Perhaps your gift and keen intuition is a product of ADD. Just a thought. Don’t look at ADD as a burden, but a process of the human condition. The human brain is a marvel. It is intriguing that we know so little about its absolute potential. The people I know with ADD are my favorite people to be around. They are exciting,curious, spontaneous, excellent observers, bright, have keen sense of humors, are creative, adaptable…..I could go on and on. Embrace your ADD, it is a gift in disguise.

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Bianca and Rox on June 12, 2017 8:22 pm

We are so grateful to you – your gift is remarkable! Days and weeks later we are still thinking about your words and messages and putting together clues and being inspired to seek out the truth.

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